Heh, Wait A Second. . .

So, I just realized something kinda extraordinary

and its one of those moments where you wanted to (or should have) thought of this when you needed too

When in a relationship

teens or adults

There are many different ways of showing your love for your spouse

Sometimes they buy flowers

Sometimes they buy jewelry

If they are really special, and if they are really creative, if they are REALLY in love, they will do something truly surprising

If you wanna know what I mean on that, go on Youtube and type in "Surprising Marriage Proposals" I'm sure you will find a good example

But the thought that just occurred to me was this:

My last relationship, I can still agree on was that it was a joke

The partner I was with was a complete cheep skate (However you spell that)

I do understand that him and his family wasn't financially stable

and he didn't have a legitimate job

I completely understand that

The things he said, though, just made him sound extremely sad

His opinion of "showing your love" was that 

"I don't need to spend hundreds of dollars just to show how much I love you, Katie

I would rather tell you"

Thing was, he couldn't do that

He never did that on his own free will

He would through texts, but no in my face

And on those rare accessions of when he did say it, I knew that he did cause I said that "I would rather hear you not read a text"

It wasn't cause he felt that it was needed

Point being: Can't do this, can't do that

Won't do this, won't do that

What in the hell can you do?

Nothing you sad little fuck

You lied and I should have never believed you from the start

. . .

I don't know

This was just a thought that I felt needed to be written down

. . .

sigh

Oh My...

I think I have Dysthymia

"Symptoms

Depressed mood for most of the day, for more days than not, and ongoing for at least two years. During this time, there must be two or more of the following symptoms: under– or over eating, sleep difficulties, fatigue, low self-esteem, difficulty with concentration or decision making, and feelings of hopelessness. There can also not be a diagnosis of Major Depression for the first two years of the disorder, and has never been a manic or hypo-manic episode."

- http://allpsych.com/disorders/mood/dysthymia.html

No More Of You

Well this is the end

The end of thinking about you so damn much

I'm tired of chasing a fantasy

I mean, as much as I like to fantasize about my life, this is the one thing I am putting a stop to

I knew that I was stupid for trying again

I really thought that if I kept hoping, something will happen

And I've hoped for a while

. . . 

See any posts about anything good?

No

Of course you don't

I know my last few posts have just been obsessions of my stupid fantasies

Those where just thoughts that needed to be brought out for the sake of stopping the round about thought

Either way, they were stupid

. . .

So this is why I'm stopping:

I feel as if I am being dragged on by a thread

I feel like you know of what I'm thinking of everyday and you fake liking me just to see me squirm like a worm in the hot summer sun

Maybe this is just in my head

I can't tell whats reality and whats in my head!

If I kept going, hoping for something to happen, then you would be winning at your sick game

And hell, I don't wanna lose to you

You just want to watch me kiss at your feet with nothing in return

Because that's how you are

Just a one sided kind of person

Jee, I hope that angle of yours is what you have always wanted:

Low, fake, and annoying as hell

Truly, that angle has lied to you to make you love that person

Broken friendships for just to make sure that they were yours

How can you take the flirting with other guys thing?

I hope you can live with that

Can you also live with the fact that this same person brags about EVERYTHING you two do?

Even the sexual side of the relationship?

This person says things I don't think you would be pleased with

I honestly don't believe half the shit I heard cause I don't think I can see you being like that

But, I did say the same thing about another person we both know

Hmm...

I think I'm derailing again

I guess what I'm trying to say is . . .

I'm dropping this pipe dream

for good

There are people out there way better than what I'm seeing today

 Collage is a beautiful thing to me

It's almost like starting over

Without so many shitty people surrounding me

So, goodbye unnecessary suffering

Hello solutions

You are welcome to stay

Make yourself at home

o^._.^o

Why....?

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I get this feeling, a negative feeling

It should be good, or. . . should it?

When I think about it, everyone is right

But what if everyone is wrong?

One side says yes, the other says no

Where do I go in this life?

. . .

Why is it that I have no reason to be happy in the morning?

What do I wake up too?

Why is it that I wake up feeling that I know I will have an unfulfilled day?

And even if I do something constructive, and I check everything off of my mental list of things to do,

I go to bed . . . sad and overall unhappy with myself

Why was I brought upon this life?

This life of constant grief, sadness, depression, circling thoughts and fantasies

Why was my life written with many cruel and dramatic events?

Bulling

Abuse

The fears of rejection

Heartbreak

First love almost ending with death

Family neglect and disfunction

Harsh self conscienceness

Why do I have to live?

Why couldn't I just let my self go at a younger age?

So many questions

Questions that cannot be answered

They eat at me sometimes

Why am I still alive?

What other tragedies must I face next?

I'm always so cold . . .

Why am I always by myself?

What's the reason behind that?

Why do I dream when I know that reality will disappoint me?

Just. . .

. . .

Why. . . ?

Damn It!

All I can think about right now is how I wish to confess everything to you

Theres so much I wanna say

I can't fucken sleep

I can't even close my eyes for more than 5 minuets cause these thoughts are circling and circling through my mind

I wish I had the balls to say what I wish to say to you in person

I'm horribly scared of your reaction and if you will forgive me or not

I've become obsessed with the thoughts and the fantasies of my confession, your reacting, and the aftermath

Of course they are positive thoughts,

I'm not thinking of the negative at all

It's just because its what I wanna avoid, why would one think of consequence?

It seems as if every factor of my life has most of the luck

Factors such as 

-already knowing what I want to do for the rest of my life

-living in a decent house

-earning money for hard work (aka sewing)

-having a knack for art itself

Just about every factor has its different, over the average amount of luck

But there is one factor, in my life, that has never worked out for me

Something that has been a problem from day one 

Something that I was destined to not accomplish 

The factor that everyone around me seemed to have worked out for them in their entire lives

That one thing that I always thought and dreamt of for as long as I can remember

Love

LOVE!!

I might have only been in 1 single relationship, hell, it took me 17 years to achieve my first romance

But in the end of that relation, I wasn't really his dream girl like he claimed to me

All he feel in love with was my physical appearance 

and ultimately, took advantage of every opportunity he could get with me

sure, I might have been willing some of the time

He wanted more than what already happened

I was too blind and too lost to really think of all my morals 

But at the very end of "us", he fell for another girl

I would say he started this in our last 2 1/2 months together

I should have known, my only regret in that relationship is that I WOULD BE THE ONE TO DUMP HIM

Something to teach him how to treat his "lover" with the respect they deserve

And if he doesn't change his act, I feel really sorry for this girl

and if he did just started to treat this girl right and properly

Then just fuck my life

There has to be something wrong with me to be this miserable

To be this lonely everyday

To only be in one romantic relationship in my whole entire life

To be this depressed and saddened all the fucken time

To be single again

I don't care if someone loves being single

I don't care when someone tells me "oh, don't be in a relationship, its terrible"

I don't fucken care if someone likes it or hates it

All I know is that I HATE BEING THIS WAY!

I HATE BEING KNOWN OR CATEGORIZED "SINGLE"

It continues on the thought that THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME

Wait

. . . 

I think I derailed from what I was originally trying to even say

. . . 

I don't know if you will ever come across this post at all

I would be extremely frightened if you did find this specific blog

But if you ever do,

and if you wish to know anything at all

wich I doubt. . .

. . . 

Feel free to ask me anything

. . . 

Really. . . 

I don't know if you even have these same inquiries about. . . this

. . .

Even if I don't start talking and you don't get the answers,

Just keep digging for them

I'm stubborn as hell

Just keep trying

I will eventually budge. . .

But if you just think I'm completely insane and this is all in my head

or if you just don't give a fuck of me or any of this

. . . 

Give it to me straight and just tell me to fuck off

In my face

It would teach me a lesson

To not attempt love for the rest of my days

. . .

My destiny will not end happy

And I just have to accept it

You can be the one to open my eyes

I suppose I deserve it

Sigh

Obsession

Oh how I wish to be with you...

Someone...

I need help

What I'm doing is very unhealthy

I don't know how to stop

These constant thoughts

The same thoughts

Over and over again

Circling my mind

Consuming my sanity

How can I be cured?

I'm too scared to tell you anything

I don't want to lose what we have now

Is there anything there?

I'm scared to tell anyone anything

. . .

Who can I ask for help?

. . .

. . .

. . .

Salvation is lost

And obsession has taken over

What will lift this illness. . . ?