Damn It!

All I can think about right now is how I wish to confess everything to you

Theres so much I wanna say

I can't fucken sleep

I can't even close my eyes for more than 5 minuets cause these thoughts are circling and circling through my mind

I wish I had the balls to say what I wish to say to you in person

I'm horribly scared of your reaction and if you will forgive me or not

I've become obsessed with the thoughts and the fantasies of my confession, your reacting, and the aftermath

Of course they are positive thoughts,

I'm not thinking of the negative at all

It's just because its what I wanna avoid, why would one think of consequence?

It seems as if every factor of my life has most of the luck

Factors such as 

-already knowing what I want to do for the rest of my life

-living in a decent house

-earning money for hard work (aka sewing)

-having a knack for art itself

Just about every factor has its different, over the average amount of luck

But there is one factor, in my life, that has never worked out for me

Something that has been a problem from day one 

Something that I was destined to not accomplish 

The factor that everyone around me seemed to have worked out for them in their entire lives

That one thing that I always thought and dreamt of for as long as I can remember

Love

LOVE!!

I might have only been in 1 single relationship, hell, it took me 17 years to achieve my first romance

But in the end of that relation, I wasn't really his dream girl like he claimed to me

All he feel in love with was my physical appearance 

and ultimately, took advantage of every opportunity he could get with me

sure, I might have been willing some of the time

He wanted more than what already happened

I was too blind and too lost to really think of all my morals 

But at the very end of "us", he fell for another girl

I would say he started this in our last 2 1/2 months together

I should have known, my only regret in that relationship is that I WOULD BE THE ONE TO DUMP HIM

Something to teach him how to treat his "lover" with the respect they deserve

And if he doesn't change his act, I feel really sorry for this girl

and if he did just started to treat this girl right and properly

Then just fuck my life

There has to be something wrong with me to be this miserable

To be this lonely everyday

To only be in one romantic relationship in my whole entire life

To be this depressed and saddened all the fucken time

To be single again

I don't care if someone loves being single

I don't care when someone tells me "oh, don't be in a relationship, its terrible"

I don't fucken care if someone likes it or hates it

All I know is that I HATE BEING THIS WAY!

I HATE BEING KNOWN OR CATEGORIZED "SINGLE"

It continues on the thought that THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME

Wait

. . . 

I think I derailed from what I was originally trying to even say

. . . 

I don't know if you will ever come across this post at all

I would be extremely frightened if you did find this specific blog

But if you ever do,

and if you wish to know anything at all

wich I doubt. . .

. . . 

Feel free to ask me anything

. . . 

Really. . . 

I don't know if you even have these same inquiries about. . . this

. . .

Even if I don't start talking and you don't get the answers,

Just keep digging for them

I'm stubborn as hell

Just keep trying

I will eventually budge. . .

But if you just think I'm completely insane and this is all in my head

or if you just don't give a fuck of me or any of this

. . . 

Give it to me straight and just tell me to fuck off

In my face

It would teach me a lesson

To not attempt love for the rest of my days

. . .

My destiny will not end happy

And I just have to accept it

You can be the one to open my eyes

I suppose I deserve it