My Deadly Sin Wrath

There are moments in time where the smallest of things,

things that do nothing more but annoy,

grow and turn thoughts into complete anger

Then that anger, in the course of 2-5 minuets, boils and steams into pure hatred and dissatisfaction of life and everything that a cured in it

You think about childhood, growing up, being alone, and bullied

You think about how that made you feel way back when

Then you think about your pre-teens, back when you where trying to find yourself

You, even then, hated everything, but wore a mask with a big bright smile on your face

The only thing that mattered to you at the time was gaining love or companionship

Even though you felt conned every time someone said that they loved you or that you meant something to them

Then you think about today, or the recent past

The pain you suffered through from your own stupidity and weakness

You hate everyone who got in that path of unhappiness

Everyone who was involved

The people that deceived you from the very start

Then you hate yourself for believing people, trusting them, looking at them

The anger just from looking at a mere photo brings the Wrath back

It's tough to go through with it any longer

The only solution is to talk to someone, but who is there to talk to if you don't have trust in humanity?

All you can do is wait for the Wrath to go back to sleep and hope it doesn't come back again

Not for a long while at least

At times it will stay with your for days, weeks, sometimes months

When that happens, things become scary

It makes you think about the only solution to solve these troubles

The one way to escape from-

. . .

Then you just cry

Cry until the thoughts pass

Hilarious People I Run Into

Ok, this was found on an online community I joined a few years ago called Gaiaonline.com

You will find some of the most interesting people EVAR here

This guy, is hilarious

When you look at his profile, his banner has the word "satan" spelled out in the satanic symbols

and yet, he has a background of bananas in pink striped bikinis

o.O

Awesome right?

And I just HAVE to share with you all with what his description stated...

"Hold on to your naughty bits and squeeze, we're going in. 

One day, long ago, 
I was born. 

Now, this seems almost trivial, 
But I like to think of it as a major event in my life. 

I grew up a bit, during which time occurred a heartbreaking story of a boy and his dog. 
There were friends, both real and invisible (but never imagined). 
Once, there was a clown. 

I grew up a bit more, and another story happened, 
About a boy who has was utterly disappointed with cats as pets meant to replace certain dogs. So ******** cats. 
There were larger friends than before, there was Zelda. 
There will always be Zelda. 

Again, I grew. 
I learned basic computer magic, and how not to drop a guinea pig and break its leg. 

There was some more growing, but much of it this time happened in a far away place. 
A sort of rising-sun land, if you will. 
I didn't like the food. 

Now, I enjoy dark and rainy days, the brightest of bright oranges, Winter, fancy hats, and funny accents. 
I don't like spiders. 

My mind is like a Rube Goldberg machine; convoluted, unnecessarily involved, and generally pointless. 

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't like coffee. 

Weird, right? 


Let's close with a list of the food groups: 
-Fruit 
-Dairy 
-Beef Jerky 
-And a garden hose 



Farewell, gentle reader. 
Now go, I long to watch you leave."

:D

Christmas Seasons: I'm Sure Yours Went Better Than Mine

I feel as if my life is slowing crumbling

and it happens to be around the Christmas times

Christmas is that special time to get together with your family, the people who love you more than anyone, for the first time in many working months and just be joyous together

At least, thats what a normal family does

Mine, on the other hand, can't even do this right

As always, every fucken detail of Christmas is planned and rushed at the last minuet,

The tree decorations

The gift shopping

The special dinners

Everything

Unplanned and ill thought of

But this year, it seems as if its been the worst so far

This might be because of other stressful and stressful factors such as finishing collage applications or social troubles or inner troubles such as depression

I just hope that I can cope with this year and maybe cheer myself up with peaceful thoughts about sewing or selling stuff on Etsy

Anything to escape my hell and back

So far I have felt some what better

But I think thats only cause I'm eating cookies in bed

What a fat ass I am

Of course this is only day 7 of my winter vacation

I'm sure (or hope) that this little sadness will blow over and everybody will get more serious about everything

I don't know....

....Bing! Pff..

You mean like this guy?

vvv

Pff...

Venting - Like An AC, But With Deep Thoughts

Venting

(Oh yeah...that's what this blog is for...)

Somehow, I will find myself talking about everything I think about

I will talk to the people that I probably shouldn't even talk to

Try to keep everything secret from inside a particular group of people?

NOPE!

I apparently need to tell them too

But I really shouldn't

I will only make things worse for myself

GAH

I can't even think of a good way to write this blog entry with a sophistication (holy shit, I just spelled that right)

Erp!!

Ack!!

Derp!!

FUCK!!!!

Sigh...

Maybe next time

Sorry guys

...

On another note/last note,

I get to take care of the class lizard for the winter break

I feel like a fucken' bad ass

....

It makes me want to get a lizard of my own

....

hhmm......

I'm So Sorry: It's Ok If You Hate Me

I'm having that moment again

Regret from my past

It feels so far away

Its been at least four years

All I can really say about that moment is....

I'm so stupid

Why was I such a sad little fuck back then?

Why couldn't I think?

Did I even have a brain back then?

How can I still let this effect me even today?'

Why can't I move on?

Why do I make myself suffer like this?

I have made made so many bad decisions

But this one has just has to be the worst

Next to this one

is still hoping I will have a happy ending

But we all know the goth just doesn't get a happy ending

It's always the pretty blond girl who gets it all in the end

I am left to mourn...

Winter Break

Wow

It has been really difficult to write a blog entry this week

I've been doing nothing but work for the past few days in preparation for exams

I have to..

-Finish a 9 page paper on legalizing pot

- Finish a keynote on a national park

-Finish a Spanish packet

-Prepare for a long ass assignment on the 4th-8th Amendments involving a criminal case

-Finish a book and then prepare for a book report/essay

-Prepare for a grammer exam

JUST SHIT!!

ALL OVER THE PLACE

FUUUUUUUCK!!!

I am really looking forward to a break! Winter break!

Oh shit

I still need to Christmas shop for my family

o.O

Well, there have been other things on my mind as well

A pet peeve of sorts....

Liars

Damn annoying liars who get their way through ridiculous and untruthful statements.

I think that will be another thought on a different blog on another day....

o^._.^o

But yeah.....I posted something for now

Live with it

Current Emotion: Nothingness

I feel awful

I feel excited

I feel disappointed

I feel many things

 I can never decide how I really am...

I feel over overwhelmed

I feel underwhelmed

I want to do this

But I have to do something else

But if I don't do this, I won't feel very accomplished with my life

But if I don't do this other thing, I will have many consequences over the long term

So many things I would rather do

So many things I HAVE to do

But if I can't do what I would like to do, I would feel like nothing

But if I don't do my important work....

JUST FUCK!!!

Will a huge change really CHANGE anything for me?

Would moving away to another town, with different people, with perfect strangers, with new doors to open, thousands of them

would it all really help me?

What if closing the door of high school life and study, and opening a new door of collage life and study really didn't change anything like I wish it to do?

What if I just go mad, insane, desperate for a salvation?

Why don't I have the proper support?

I'm getting nothing from my parents

It's not like I would want their support

I want nothing emotionally from my parents

I've been lonely everyday for the past four years because of them

They don't help....

I want love....

Sometimes I just wanna cuddle up with someone who is willing to cuddle back with me

I want to be that house cat who cuddles with their owner when they come home again

An "aww, kitty wants attention" moment

A moment of love...

A moment of comfort

I'm sure as hell I'm not getting that from my family

I suppose...

People sometimes desire the impossible

For me, 

this is my impossible desire

I am alone

I will be forever

Because no one will take in this stray cat...

It's raining

I'm stuck in a cardboard box

I scream for help

But no one will give me the time of day

They pass me without a glance

I cry to myself

It's all I have left

Insomnia Sucks...

Ever have those nights where your head is just congested with thoughts?

Many thoughts?

Hundreds of thoughts?

Too many to keep up with?

Don't you hate it when theres only ONE thought that keeps you awake?

Well, here's mine:

It's almost 10:40 and I should be a little tired by now, but I'm not

Which means that I know for sure that I will not sleep tonight

Damn, I was hoping that this past weekend would help me catch up with sleep

NOPE (Chuck Testa)

But...all I can think about is wether I should give up on "liking" anybody romantically

All of my life I have never had success with a person that I wished to become "more than friends" with

The only relationship I was in, ended horribly

Well, I'm sure that's the way with everyone, but still, ended so terribly...

It left a huge scar emotionally, I guess would be better to describe it

And my current situation now, with this other person

....

sigh

I don't know why I give myself hope for him

I sometimes get the feeling that I really don't have the right to like this person

I missed my boat

I know I can't get a second chance

He moved on...

It's me that needs to go away

and give up

for good...

Message To You

Song "I Am Only One"

By We Are The Fallen

Youtube it

cause I don't think this is working at all

The Pains of Learning The Hard Way

"Falling in love is easy

Staying in love is the hard part"

Why be in love?

Does everyone rely on another person for inner happiness?

What if that person promised you eternal happiness

Would you believe them?

Do people not realize the possibility of lies, behind those promises?

Well ask yourself this, 

If you think you can handle love, can you handle sudden rejection?

Rejection that comes out of the blue?

Do the people that think they are in "love" ever have second thoughts?

Thoughts about their partners?

Thoughts about another person they previously loved?

Thoughts of leaving them?

What is the true order of things?

Does love come first or last?

Would it be wrong if it came first?

To answer these questions...

Yes

People do rely on others for happiness,

but is it because they truly cannot provide it themselves?

or is it just because they are too lazy to make an effort to provide their own happiness?

Yes

People do promise you happiness

A happiness that will last forever

Yes

People do believe every fucken' thing they hear from others

They believe the lies that become promises

They will believe anything that sounds like an eternal bliss, but what people never consider of

is if that so called "bliss" will become an eternal love

or hate

Yes

People don't think about any type of consequence

In the heat of the moment, they don't think

Because all they can hear is a beautiful made up future that is only beautiful in a goddamn romantic comedy

No

Of course no one can handle rejection

When someone is telling you that they are in love with you,

one can only assume that they are set for life.

You don't need to try to find yourself a nice mate anymore

Because the lucky bastard is right in front of you spilling out his heart to you

You don't think about the stupid, unreal word of "rejection,"

Until one day, it sneaks up on you, forces itself, all nice an snug, in your ass

and stays there, 

over time

until it needs something to eat

Thats when it will feast at you 

and will turn you into nothing...

Yes

Second guessing is an a curing process in ones mind

You wonder if this is the right partner for you, for life

Then once you get to know this person, and when you accidentally think of someone else, for one second, you start to wonder more about what you're doing with yourself

Then you start to imagine a life without your partner, a less stressful life

And deciding to ignore it, these feelings of regret,

will only put fuel on the fire

and letting the liquids set into the wood will result in a fire bigger than you could never think possible

No

Love should never come first

When one claims to already be in love with you, even though its been the first few months of togetherness, 

or even the first few weeks

the long term relationship will only be the harder to keep up with

It would only mean that the partner was just not realizing what he was even saying,

what this person was getting into

who they were in love with in the first place

and going on believing the lies, raising a high expectations, having fantasies and believing them

Will all shatter when one leasts expects it

And will make you feel useless

Saddened

Depressed

Crushed

Unloved

and could never be truly loved

could never try again

could never....have a chance to mend the broken heart

Please

Readers of the world

Don't become a joke

Don't become an embarrassment

Don't try to become in love, just to become less lonely

Don't believe a word he says

Don't become...

like me